I didn’t know the true meaning of friendship until I hurt someone
I’m not sorry.
I want to be as open as I can be with this particular article. I’ve been wanting to write on friendship for a long time but I always find one excuse or the other to tell myself “it won’t make sense” or (my favorite one) “I will write it tomorrow.”
The tomorrow came today. I read two beautiful articles on friendship today and it pulled at my heartstring. So, I started thinking about it, and how it has changed my perspective about life.
It took me a long time to understand the meaning of friendship. You see, I’ve been told quite a lot that I am not friendly, and I also know this to be true. I won’t be changing this anytime soon (sorry, not sorry).
The problem started with having a very difficult childhood, I was in my head a lot. I had little to no self worth and I didn’t even know I was likeable. I was in a kind of self isolation so whenever a hand of friendship was extended towards me my first thought was “you see me?” Followed immediately with a suspicious “what do you want?” but did I voice this? No! I just went along with the flow. Accepting both the good and the bad eggs into my basket.
And so, people wanted me as a friend because I was nice to have around and I was always there to be whatever they needed. I didn’t know the word ‘NO’ existed. I was even grateful at a point that ‘these people that seems to be so better than me want me as a friend.’ It is what would be called toxic in this current days.
I had always termed friendship to mean giving, never taking or asking, I had a problem with taking and asking (still do, God help me) so I didn’t really see it as a big deal until I started reading (books literally delivered me). I noticed then that people leave as soon as they get whatever they needed, which left a giant hole I didn’t notice until my late teens.
So, I didn’t learn the true meaning of friendship until I became a bad friend. Don’t crucify me yet, I promise you I didn’t hurt anyone (not really).
The person I hurt was me, I was a very bad friend to me, myself, and I. I later learn (still learning) that to be attracted to a good friend, I have to be a good friend to myself first. I realized I accepted shitty people because I felt shitty about myself. So, I set out to change that.
How did I change that? You might wonder. I became a recluse bookworm (god abeg). It was from reading I learnt about self worth and self-esteem.
The first time I told someone no, it was from a place of anger, my eyes had opened and I saw that I had belittle myself by being people’s doormat. I had allowed myself to be hurt and broken that I didn’t want the half assed miserly packaged insult called friendship any longer, this person I told no might have meant well but I just didn’t want friends at that point in time. I had had enough.
I sieved people and make them go through a personal hurdle that I keep tabs with in my head before I call them my friend. I’m not proud of this, but it has saved me from friendship heartbreak (you know that’s the worst kind of heartbreak right?).
This is not to say I didn’t have some amazing people during this period. I did. I just didn’t see them clearly because they weren’t asking anything of me. I was very suspicious of this so I put them at the back corner in my head. These are the people I later came to call friends, I’ve lost few due to years and distance, but I have one or two that we still ride the tides of life together. Not as close as I would want to, but as close as our respective lives would allow.
I still find myself dancing on the edge when it comes to accepting friendship (old habits I guess), and I am still call unfriendly. I accept this with honor.
You see, I’m learning (you might say I learn a lot, lmao) that your own tribe will see you and appreciate you when you’re being your best kind of self without pretense. Those I call friends now, they appreciate me deeply. There are still days I wonder what they are doing with me and when I ask them, they go ahead to tell me what an awesome person they know I am. I don’t have much friends in the sense of numbers but the much I have in the sense of quality, are the real deal. I have much people around me (which I’m grateful for), but I’ve never mistake an acquaintance for a friend.
I broke my heart to be my best kind of self and I’ve never looked back.
