Almost 30

an angry rant.

I’m angry.

That’s the point of everything I’m typing now, anger brought me to this moment.

I’m angry at the endless loop of suffering I’ve found myself, I’m angry that I can’t seem to finish a thought — even that simple thing I’ve come to elude me. My thoughts are always fading before I even grasp the meaning of what they are about in the first place.

what am I doing with my life?

I’m angry that I don’t know my place in this world. After 29 years you would think that would be easy. Ha! The comedy!

I can’t seem to focus on anything these days. I write but I don’t know why I’m writing if it’s not giving me money. I read but I wonder if I should be doing that while my life is crashing all around me. I cry but I cringe in my head and tell myself I don’t have room for self-pity.

what am I doing with my life??

There are so many things I feel I should be doing but I don’t know where to start. I’m failing even at failure and I wonder if I would ever know what success tastes like.

And my health? I don’t even know where to classify that. it’s almost two years on this journey of pain. It started innocuous, “it’s going to go after I see the doctor.” that was what I thought. But they couldn’t find what was wrong and that started a series of tests that would suck me in financially and would erase my sense of self.

what am I doing with my life???

Then, I pushed on with faith. “God would heal me” I said to myself and then it looked like He did. I was better for weeks but it came back with a bang. I cringe whenever I remember the testimony I gave in church (my first ever) thinking my story had changed. Well, it did change but for the worse. And then comes the nuanced word from a pastor that I was doing something wrong or wasn’t praying enough, which was why the pain came back.

How could I explain I was tired of fighting spiritually, emotionally, financially and physically at the same time? How could I explain a little part of myself had lost hope then even though I didn’t know it?

Well, I felt judged for my predicament and I stopped going to church. It was a painful task to begin with anyway.

It’s been more than a year since then and although I’ve changed location and I’ve found my way to church again, nothing much seems to have changed. The ever ending pain is still there and it still looks like I’m not praying enough.

What am I doing with my life?!!!!

My current problem — aside from being financially out of my depth — seems to be how to classify myself. Do I call myself a handicap now? I look at forms asking this sometimes and my mind goes into a blank. Does using a walking stick make me a handicap, am I not establishing my faith when I think I’m one, do I even qualify as one, am I not being insulting to real handicap people who mostly seems to have lost a body part while I on the other hand just seems to be stuck with a walking aid or knee brace.

What am I doing with my life? I will be 30 next month and I am so angry to be a broke, practically useless, losing-her-mind fading adult.